teeks

Hats. How cool are hats? You never see any websites praising the wonderful garments that protect the noggin from the sun, the cold and the rain. I think its fair to say that there’s no equal when it comes to functionality and user satisfaction. I’ve owned many hats, mainly of the woolly type for my snowboarding escapes, and one day, I’ll own a bowler hat AND a cowboy hat. How’s about that for being swish.

Umbrellas are great for protecting against the rain and sun, but they do jack shit against the cold. Tanks could protect you from a 125mm SABOT fired from a T80U, but can you take it into a shop? A sword might offer some protection against a tramp hell bent on stealing your money to buy some Brasso, but will it stop your mullet from getting wet?

Hats people, it’s all about hats. Humanity has come a long way since the dawn of civilisation, from fire, to wheel, to airplane, to computers, to spaceships – but it’s the humble hat that deserves most praise. We’re blessed with dozens of different types, materials and shapes. Colours too, from orange to black, hats are crazy! What else can get away with being green one day, and blue the next? Underwear I hear you say, but that’s a topic for another day.

First up, we have the Bowler

In the hat-universe, the Bowler hat is the quiet bloke that sits on a park bench somewhere, reading a newspaper and drinking tea from a Thermos. Come night time though, he’s squeezed his fat arse into a one piece black PVC jumpsuit with a trapdoor around the back. He’s the type of person that the neighbours describe as a nice, decent, quite chap, as they’re being interviewed by BBC News covering the brutal murder of 9 students and 4 old age pensioners.

Baseball Cap

Technically not a hat, but a cap, but seeing as they both do the same job, I’ll allow it. Despite popular belief, the baseball cap was actually invented before the game and was named because army soldiers in the 1700s wore hats that also doubled as convenient places to hold musket balls and gunpowder caps, and as such these were called Ball and Cap hats. Not to be outdone by the common soldiers with their fancy hats, officers declared these caps illegal while out in the field, and were only allowed while back at the main base – thus, the name was amended to Baseball Caps. The yanks stole the basic design and name 150 years later when they robbed Rounders, made it boring and called it Baseball.

Beret.

Famous with the Frenchies for being arty and aloof, the beret has been an icon with soft, liberal types and double hard bastards for years (British Army Paras). What a bizarre combination that is, two totally different types of people, wearing the same hat. Admittedly the Beret’s sported by the Paras are red, and thus hard, it’s still a bit odd though. It’s like Buddhists Monks wearing boxing gloves and greeting strangers by punching them in the tits, or something.

Opera Hat / Top Hat

As the name suggests, this hat is the Don Corleone when it comes to head gear. When not in active service, this coiled-snake of a hat waits quietly, and with one subtle tap WHAM, it opens up and swallows your head hole. This monster should be worn with caution, and whenever possible accompanied with a monocle and a fancy cane. May contain rabbits.

Panama Hat

Made exclusively in Panama, Devon. Hemp is grown in massive greenhouses, picked, rolled on the thighs of 80year old virgin women into thin tubes and then cultured in a mixture of cat vomit and pigshit. This material is then shredded, stamped on, laughed at and drawn into thread like, er thread and woven into hats by the same 80year old virgin women as before. Only the Smith family actually knows the true manufacturing process behind the mystical Panama Hat, and current reverse technologies suggest that the 80year old virgins aren’t virgins at all, but whores.

Cowboy hat.

Made from boy cows, the Cowboy hat is immortalised by the actor turned president Ronald ‘Duck’ Regan when he wore a bright pink Cowboy hat to the Nuclear Proliferation Treaty meeting in Hamburg in 1987 along with Mikhail Gorbachev and Maggie Thatcher, who wore a skullcap and comedy wig respectively. Mrs Thatcher’s attire spawned outrage in the hat community, and she was forced to apologise the next day for her wig, which we all know isnt’ even a hat! Ronald Regan announced his disgust at the wig at a press conference later that day, and he was quoted as saying the relationship between the US and UK was irrevocably damaged.

Famous and Novelty hats.

It’s a football tophat. Surely the best thing in the world? (Apart from being English of course)

Nelson’s hat. I’ve never seen the guy from Simpsons wear a hat like that, but if its on the internet then it’s gotta be true. Looks shit.

Hats are great. Cheer, point and throw things the next time you see someone wearing a hat.

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Famous people are great. We’re exposed to so many famous people these days, we simply cant get away from the attention-whoring bastards. Not a day goes by that I’m not subjected to the private life of the people that are on TV and in the newspapers, and in increasing numbers on my beloved internets. We’re kept up-to-date with the Beckham children, we’re told about the average MP’s latest lovers, and kept appraised on the status of Prince Harry’s ginger pubes – all fascinating stuff that sells newspapers in their trillions.

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